So this post is going to be brutally honest. Please bear with me. I love the city we live in. I love everything about it. There are some people that I find easier to love more than others in this city but I really love it here. Even our kids, who say for effect, that they hate it here, really are starting to love it here too. Ruth has even proclaimed that she is not going back to Missouri no matter what. We can leave her here. But, for the last few weeks I have wished that I was not here. I wish that I had not packed up my family to move here to start an outreach to the poor and a church for people who don't like church. I have told my husband several times over the last few days that I just want to go back to Missouri. I want to go where I feel like I can keep my kids safe from all the uncertainties that we face here.
We literally live day to day right now. One day can be great and the next day can come close to being the worst possible day I have ever experienced. I hate living like that. Everything about our life here is so uncertain. I really thought I was getting used to it and o.k. with it but these last few weeks I have realized that I am not used to it and my mind is not o.k. with it. My heart tries to tell my mind that I am o.k. with it, but it has not gotten to the point of convincing my very controlling mind that living with no certainty of tomorrow is o.k.
I had so many ideas of what coming here was going to look like and honestly, not one of those ideas has become a reality. There are many things we wanted to do when we came that we are doing, but none of them are near where I thought we would be 10 months into this adventure. I wanted to be so much further by now. I wanted to be doing so much more than what we are. Instead I find myself grappling with the idea that this is one big failure. We moved here almost 11 months ago and ended up living in a one bedroom, 700 sq ft. apartment for 4 months, lived in a 1,200 sq ft. 2 bedroom house infested with an insane amount of mold and then finally we ended up in a $1,700 sq ft, 2 bedroom house. It does not even really fit our family because it lacks a 3rd bedroom but it felt like a dream come true for us and was very easy for us to get into. Now, we are faced with the very real reality of having to move out of it. For a few reasons, that really have been beyond our control, we may have to move. It means we would have to start over again. I just don't know if I can do it!
Today, a friend of mine posted a status on her Facebook wall that said this: What would you do if you KNEW you could not fail??? She posted it with the passage from the Bible, from the book of Joshua, chapter 1 next to it. Here is what the beginning of Joshua 1 says:
1 After the death of Moses the Lord’s servant, the Lord spoke to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ assistant. He said, 2 “Moses my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. 3 I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you— 4 from the Negev wilderness in the south to the Lebanon mountains in the north, from the Euphrates River in the east to the Mediterranean Sea[a] in the west, including all the land of the Hittites.’ 5 No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.
I have been trying to convince myself of how God is with us and how He will not fail us, but to be very honest, I have not been able to this week. Please pray for us as we make tough decisions about what to do in moving forward that we will see what God's will is in this and that we can rest in knowing that with God's help, we will not fail!
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