broke

I sat on the front steps of the porch alone, having reached the lowest point of my life. I had just spent the last four years running hard after a sense of happiness that I just couldn’t catch. I was dead broke and all the beer was gone, all the weed was gone, all the coke was gone and considering the lack of substance, the numbness was gone too. It was a hot Missouri day in mid May and thunder storms were headed towards us. As I sat there all I could do was blame my parents and others. My anger was dull at first and with each new scape goat I created it became more sharp. A frontal wind had suddenly picked up and the trees were swaying violently back and forth. My anger seemed to grow with the approaching storm. I blamed my teachers, I blamed my friends, I blamed the Army, I blamed everyone. Massive bolts of lightening were striking all around and dime sized hail started falling, pulverizing everything in site. Then, I blamed God.....

Suddenly the hail stopped and a torrent of rain started. It was a strange rain, because it was not falling, it was raining sideways. I had reached the end and my anger started to turn into despair. Was it really His fault? As I thought about it, something started to well up from the deepest part of my soul as the sideways rain hit my face and ran down my chin. It got stronger and stronger and I looked up at the darkest part of the sky and my voice exploded

"GOD!!! HELP ME!!! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I KNOW I’M NOT LIVING RIGHT!!! BUT I CAN’T DO IT!!! I NEED YOU!!! I KNOW YOU"RE THERE, HELP ME PLEASE!!!"

As suddenly as the wind started, the rain stopped and the darkness departed like a runaway train. Light broke through the clouds and a beam shined down on my street as steam vapors rose and danced. The sense of guilt and shame was gone. I felt different, so very different. I felt Gods presence, I was no longer alone. I felt love. That ever evasive sense of happiness that I was chasing so hard after for years was suddenly overwhelming my broken soul.

God.......is Love.

I sat there a while longer laughing and sobbing. I got up, suddenly feeling like I needed to call my mom. That supernatural experience of Love in 1988 changed my life forever.